Having pretty much breezed through the first round of chemo I became very naïve about what having cancer was actually like. I felt so well most of the time (relatively speaking), I was confident in myself that everything was going well, and this was a good sign. Things took a turn when I had my first clinic appointment (a meeting with the consultant to discuss how the treatment has worked so far and what the next stage of treatment will be). I found out that the first round of chemo had barely worked. It came a massive shock to me as I hadn’t even considered that it might not be good news. The silver lining to this was the fact that the proposed new treatment plan would be less intense than traditional chemotherapy, I wouldn’t have to stay in hospital apart from a few days of monitoring at the start and I wouldn’t even lose my hair (during the first round I managed to keep hold of all my hair).
The next issue came up when I went into hospital the week after, for my new treatment, only to be told it had now been changed. The new plan would now be a week of highly intensive chemotherapy and a 4-5 week stay in hospital. This is what really broke me. I just couldn’t comprehend the thought of staying in hospital for that length of time again. Although I did it fine before, I had made so many plans that month and had got myself prepared to have an amazing month at home. And after having two weeks at home of getting back into proper comfort and routine, the idea of having to go back into hospital was very distressing. That night my parents and I went to a nice Italian to destress, process and try to enjoy my last night of freedom. The only thing, because I had only packed for a few days in hospital I pretty much only had loungewear, hadn’t washed my hair and had it up in messy bun. When I turned up looking like that and wearing a hospital wristband, I must have looked quite a sight. Think we can call it extenuating circumstances, ey?
Chemotherapy started the next day and then began the most horrific week of my life. I had been so adamant not to seem like a cancer patient through my whole treatment so far (me being naïve again, that I even thought this was possible). Everything came crashing down when I did in fact become very ill. Within the first few hours of the chemo been administrated, I spiked a temperature. Despite being neutropenic for two months, this hadn’t happened yet. Over the next few days, I continued to get worse and after some investigation by many doctors and scans, I found out I had a gall bladder infection. This was shortly followed by a chest infection, pneumonia, pain and blurred and distorted vision in my eyes . Safe to say, all this on top of the worst chemo regime I could possibly have, I wasn’t having a great time.
I was so shocked that it was possible that I could get this ill. This was by far the hardest thing I had ever gone through in my life. I could barely move from the intense pain I my body, I was hooked up to oxygen 24/7, getting to the bathroom was so difficult, it left me violently shaking by the time I got back to my bed and I couldn’t eat a thing. I was so upset that this was the state I was in. It was really difficult for me at this stage as the way I cope with things is to distract myself by keeping busy. So when all I could do was lie in one position and think about what was happening it got very tough not just physically, but mentally as well.
The one thing I learnt from this experience is that things do pass. Despite feeling in the first few weeks that all the discomfort and stress would never end, it really does. By the time I left hospital at the end of the month I was almost back to my normal self, ready for some lovely weeks at home.
Some advice I would give for anyone going through similar circumstances is to take every day as it comes, don’t think ahead, put music on and try sleep through the whole thing. Also through this time use your support team. I had my mum or my boyfriend staying with me 24/7 which was vital just to help me do the simplest of things. When I felt a bit better physically, however was struggling with the aftermath and mental side of things, the staff on the ward from teenage cancer trust were amazing. For either someone to talk to or to help with entertainment while in isolation, they are always there to help.